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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26002540">Granted</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW'>IvanW</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adventure, All Roads Lead to Spirk, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bonding, Child, Dubious choices, Earth, F/M, Life Redo, Love, M/M, Minor Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pon Farr, Romance, Sexual Content, Vulcan, Wishes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:47:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,728</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26002540</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Life is nothing like what Jim Kirk ever thought it would be or could be. He did not end up with Spock, but with someone else. And even that life and that relationship, ended in tragedy.</p><p>But if he could have a new life. Something different. How would that be?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Spock, Past James T. Kirk/Carol Marcus - Relationship, Past Spock/Nyota Uhura - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>156</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>184</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The Past</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Leonard had lost track of Jim in all the preparations and ceremonial crap and when he found him, he almost wished he hadn’t. Jim looked a wreck. So much so that Leonard was worried about him…seriously worried…not his ordinary worry.</p><p>Jim leaned against glass, his gaze rather vacant, his color a cross between too pale and too blotchy. If Leonard could measure stress levels, Jim’s would be off the charts.</p><p>“There you are,” he said in the gentle tone he used when talking to particularly infirm patients. Jim was not that, and yet, it seemed appropriate.</p><p>Jim gave him the old Academy try with a ghost of a smile, but it was almost sickeningly ghastly. “Here I am.”</p><p>“You okay?”</p><p>“Have you ever faced the complete death of all your dreams and fantasies, Bones?”</p><p>He hesitated. “I’m not really sure.”</p><p>“If you had, you’d know.”</p><p>Leonard moved closer. “Is that what you have done?”</p><p>Jim didn’t respond, just gave him a rather vacant stare.</p><p>Leonard glanced in the direction he’d come from. “They’re…getting ready to start. They’re expecting you.”</p><p>Jim nodded. “I know. And I’m making myself move. I am. It’s just…when there was hope there was…now it’s nothing.”</p><p>“Jim…”</p><p>Jim straightened suddenly, quickly. His color was still way too weird and his smile almost just as ghastly, but he would have been convincing to anyone who didn’t know him as well as Leonard did. He looked pretty good in his dress uniform, even with his off appearance. </p><p>“Bones, I’m going to ask you for a really strange favor.”</p><p>“Anything.”</p><p>“Help me walk out there. I don’t think I can make it without assistance.”</p><p>Leonard linked his arm with Jim’s as though it was the most natural thing in the world and they walked out together, standing with the others as they observed Spock and Uhura standing in front of a high priestess. Leonard saw Spock glance quite briefly in Jim’s direction, but Jim didn’t look his way, not at all, just looked straight ahead.</p><p>And later, when it was all over, and boy, did it seem to take an eternity, Jim looked at Leonard. “Well. That’s the end. Where’s Scotty? I need the biggest damn drink I think I’ve ever had.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Leonard agreed, squeezing Jim’s arm. “Me too.”</p><p>And they found Scotty and with him was Keenser and Jaylah. Leonard was only a little surprised when Jaylah came to Jim and hugged him with a softly whispered, “James T.”</p><p>Jim squeezed her back and then with smile firmly in place, declared, “Let’s go party.”</p><p>They had just turned the corner when Jim bumped into a blonde woman coming the other way. For a moment they both pivoted and then stood upright.</p><p>“Carol,” Jim exclaimed.</p><p>“Jim!” She glanced at the others, smiling brightly. “Hello everyone.”</p><p>“This is a great surprise,” Jim said, his once vacant smile looking much more genuine. “We haven’t seen you since you…”</p><p>“Stupidly left the Enterprise just after the first year of the five-year mission.” She laughed. “Yes, I know.”</p><p>“What are you doing here?”</p><p>“I’ve got a science symposium here. And you’re here…” Her brows furrowed in confusion, then cleared. “Oh. Yes. Of course. The bonding. Sorry I missed it.”</p><p>“It was very nice,” Jim said, convincingly. “We’re going for a celebratory drink. Care to join us? You know Bones, Scotty, and Keenser. And this is Jaylah.”</p><p>Carol smiled. “How do you do. And I’d love to join you.” Her smile got brighter still as she hooked her arm through Jim’s and Jim’s smile brightened several watts too.</p><p>Leonard wasn’t sure <em>that</em> was a good idea, but considering everything, he couldn’t really fault Jim for going <em>there</em>. Again. Not at all. So he fell into step with the others and lent his support. As always.</p><p>****</p><p>
  <em>Still the Past but Later</em>
</p><p>The door of his quarters swished open, but Jim didn’t look up from the reports on his terminal.</p><p>“They’ve had another fight,” Carol said, flouncing in and already reaching to unzip her uniform. “She came to me crying in the lab. That’s why I’m late. Did you eat without me or have you been working this whole time?”</p><p>Jim said nothing.</p><p>“Jim? Did you hear me?”</p><p>“What?” He looked up and over to her.</p><p>“They had another fight.”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Nyota and Spock.” Carol shook her head as she slipped the uniform down her arms and her torso to the floor. “It’s not looking good.”</p><p>“What’s not looking good?”</p><p>She sighed and went over to the wardrobe, pulling out her nightdress she generally wore around their quarters. Over her head it went.</p><p>“Their marriage. Bonding. Ny thinks it’s over.”</p><p>Jim nodded. “She always says that. Has since I’ve known them. They’ve ended things like a dozen times. It gets old.”</p><p>“It’s different, I think. She thinks he might break their bond. Did you eat?”</p><p>“No,” he admitted.</p><p>Carol came over to his chair pushed it back and sat on his lap. She peered at his screen. “Dusant?”</p><p>He put his arms around her. “Yeah.”</p><p>“You should eat, Jim.”</p><p>“Not hungry.” He yawned. “Super tired though.”</p><p>“We should go to bed then. Long day with the mission tomorrow.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>She kissed him. “I want my husband well rested.”</p><p>He kissed her back and then maneuvered her so that when he stood, he carried her toward their bed.</p><p>“Rest after.”</p><p>She smiled against his mouth. “An excellent plan.”</p><p>****</p><p>
  <em>The Most Recent Past</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“Sir, Captain Kirk, I’m sorry but…”</p><p>“Wait, what? What are you sorry about? Where’s my wife?”</p><p>The intern shifted uncomfortably  and took a step back in the hospital corridor.</p><p>“She…sir…Mrs. Kirk and the baby…”</p><p>Jim stared at the pale, sweaty man in front of him. “<em>What</em>?”</p><p>“The-the accident…the damage…it was too much. We couldn’t save them. Either of them.”</p><p>The buzzing in his ears got louder and louder and he suddenly saw that Bones was running down the hall toward him.</p><p>He reached for Bones and the world went blank.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The Present for Now</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Jim opened his eyes and stared at…nothing. No ceiling, just a sort of blankness.</p><p>And then stars.</p><p>“Hello Jim.”</p><p>He turned his head sharply. Standing near him, in the shadows, was a figure. Male by the voice.</p><p>“Who are you?”</p><p>“That doesn’t really matter. Can you rise?”</p><p>Jim found that he could, actually, pretty easily. He looked around but other than himself and the other figure, nothing was discernable.</p><p>“Where am I?”</p><p>“You’re still in the hospital as far as your body is concerned.”</p><p>“Carol…”</p><p>“Yes, I’m sorry. You haven’t had an easy time of it. That’s why I’m here.”</p><p>“What? What are you talking about?”</p><p>“There’s an old Earth legend of a genie.”</p><p>“I must be drunk.” Jim put his hands to his head.</p><p>“You’re not drunk and I’m not exactly a genie, but you do get a wish. A way to…do everything over.”</p><p>Jim lifted his head from his hands to stare at the mysterious man. “I’m sorry?”</p><p>“I’m here to offer you a choice. An opportunity to change your life from what it is, what is has been. You can do anything. Start over, a new life, a new destiny.”</p><p>“I must have hit my head.”</p><p>The man moved a little closer and Jim could see that he wore a hooded robe that hid his identity. There was something vaguely familiar about the voice, but he couldn’t place it.</p><p>“You didn’t. I had to make you faint so that I could talk to you. I have this ability to make things right for you. If you want.”</p><p>“Explain.”</p><p>“You don’t get three wishes, not like a genie, but I can help you to redo it all. If you have a specific part you want to redo, then I can—”</p><p>Jim snorted. “Sure. Like, my dad’s alive, right? He didn’t die?”</p><p>The man sighed. “That is the one thing I cannot do.”</p><p>Jim frowned, forgetting for a moment he thought this whole thing was ridiculous and made up in his own stupid head. “Why not?”</p><p>The man hesitated and then lowered his hood.</p><p>Jim stared at him for so long while his heart pounded hard in his chest. He could barely breathe.</p><p>“<em>Dad</em>? You’re my Dad aren’t you?”</p><p>“Yes, Jim.”</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“I’m part of a group of, a Continuum. Others would call me Q. This is my form now, Jim, and that cannot be changed. But anything else, anything you want can.”</p><p>“I don’t understand.”</p><p>“Do you want all this to go away, Jim? To start again?”</p><p>“A new life. Anything I want.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“I could be with…Spock,” he whispered, hating himself for even thinking it. But he did.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“And-and what about everyone else?”</p><p>“Their lives would be changed with yours.”</p><p>“Carol.”</p><p>“She could live, when now she does not.”</p><p>“But changing my life changes everything else for everyone? They could have a worse life, couldn’t they? Because of me.”</p><p>His father agreed. “That is the choice you make.”</p><p>Jim shook his befuddled mind, certain this was all a dream, something he made up when he fell in the hospital.</p><p>“Can it be undone?”</p><p>“Undone?”</p><p>“If it doesn’t go well. Can I come back and put it back the way it was? If I can’t stand the way things are in the new life.”</p><p>“If you can find me again.”</p><p>“You found me.”</p><p>“Then it is possible to reconnect, somehow, yes. But it would not be easy.” His father leaned close. “Anything you want. What would it be?”</p><p>“Would I know my life was different? If I go looking for you because it sucks, the changes, will I know?”</p><p>“We will have to see,” his dad said mysteriously. “What would it be?”</p><p>Jim bit his lips, shook his head. “To have a romantic relationship with Spock. For-for Sam to be around, not to have run away, for there not to be a Frank in Mom’s life, for Mom to be sober, to have a good childhood, not to have been to Tarsus.”</p><p>“Is that it?”</p><p>“For Vulcan not to have been destroyed. For Amanda Grayson to have lived.”</p><p>His father nodded. “For everything there is a consequence. One thing changed could change another, and not in a good way. That’s the way of life. That cannot be altered.”</p><p>“You mean if Vulcan is saved another planet might be destroyed? That kind of thing?”</p><p>“Perhaps.”</p><p>“I can’t be responsible for another planet’s people to die.”</p><p>“It may not be that way.”</p><p>“But a chance…”</p><p>“Jim, no one can say. Life is uncertain. But…yours can begin again, with all that you have said. A different path, different circumstances than what you now know.”</p><p>“Then I won’t do it unless your group, your continuum, guarantees that another planet won’t be destroyed instead of Vulcan.”</p><p>“Jim.”</p><p>“Dad.”</p><p>For a long time, the man, who at least looked like Jim’s dad in his dream, said nothing. But then he looked up, then back down at Jim.</p><p>“So...your terms?”</p><p>“Yep.”</p><p>“Granted.”</p><p>   </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The New Present</em>
</p><p>“Jim.”</p><p>“Wake up, Jim.”</p><p>“Jim, we’re almost there.”</p><p>“Jim.”</p><p>“Jim!”</p><p>He woke with a gasp, a shuddered breath, and then began to cough uncontrollably.</p><p>Hands went to his back, touching him, gently, not pounding or anything.</p><p>“Easy, easy.”</p><p>He felt himself get really hot and then kind of queasy as the world shifted. Or wherever he was.</p><p>A hand rested on his…side, as his coughing subsided.</p><p>“Not at all a pleasant way to awaken.”</p><p>His mom’s voice. He centered himself to it as his breathing began to return to normal.</p><p>“Mom?” he questioned, just to be sure. His vision hadn’t quite cleared up yet, everything was blurry, fuzzy.</p><p>“Here.”</p><p>And suddenly glasses were thrust upon his face.</p><p>
  <em>Glasses?  </em>
</p><p>But he could see again. Miraculously. And he realized immediately he was seated in a little two-seater row on a shuttle. His mom beside him.</p><p>Eyes wide, he stared at her.</p><p>“<em>Mom</em>?”</p><p>She frowned. “What?”</p><p>“Your…ears.”</p><p>Her hands went up to her ears to feel them. “What? Did my earring come out again?”</p><p>“No. They’re…”</p><p>Pointed. Vulcan ears. Her eyebrows too. But she was still…blonde.</p><p>Were there blonde Vulcans? But…</p><p>“Jim? Are you okay? You look quite pale. You’re not worried about the ceremony, are you?”</p><p>Jim shook his head, not knowing even what she was talking about, not then.</p><p>“Good, because there’s nothing to worry about. You two have been bonded since children.”</p><p>He put his hands up to his face. He felt hot to himself. Flushed, surely. And disoriented. He pulled off the glasses, stared at their lenses, rubbed his eyes, and then put them on again.</p><p>Nope.</p><p>She still looked…</p><p>“Are you a Vulcan?” He hadn’t meant to blurt that out, but then he really wanted to know.</p><p>She stared at him then. “I’m very worried about you. You hit your head earlier and you assured me you were okay, but…”</p><p><em>Q-Dad</em>.</p><p>Okay, he hadn’t expected to remember this much about his prior life or whatever but this…</p><p>“Mirror.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Do you have a mirror, Mom?” Jim moved his hands up to his ears and felt them. “Holy shit.”</p><p>“James Tiberius! Really.”</p><p>He grabbed the mirror she had taken from her pack and put it directly in front of his face.</p><p>“I’m a Vulcan,” he whispered.</p><p>“Half-Vulcan. Your father was human.” She rolled her eyes, “You’re acting so strangely. I did tell Amanda—”</p><p>“Amanda?”</p><p>“Spock’s mother. Jim, I’m going to have you examined when we get home.”</p><p>“Riverside?”</p><p>“<em>Riverside</em>? Where your father was from? Of course not. That’s not our home. ShiKahr is. You must be mixed up.”</p><p>“Must be. Uh. How did I hit my head?”</p><p>“On the way to board the shuttle. You slipped on water, and ended up falling and hitting your head.” She shook her head. “You said you didn’t want to go to the hospital.”</p><p>
  <em>Hospital.</em>
</p><p>“No, I definitely did not.”</p><p>It was true that he and Q-Dad hadn’t spoken about specifics, but Jim had assumed a lot of what he had known before would be the same. He was blond, though, well, blondish, and had blue eyes, and wore glasses, but he clearly had pointed ears.</p><p>She patted his hand. “Everything will be well, Jim. You’ve been preparing for this.”     </p><p>
  <em>“Please fasten your seatbelts. We are about to make landing.”</em>
</p><p>****</p><p>“Can you walk?”</p><p>“Of course I can.”</p><p>“Of course you can. You were acting disoriented on the shuttle and you did hit your head. I can see about a wheelchair.”</p><p>“No, Mother.”</p><p>They walked down the ramp of the shuttle, and even though Jim said he didn’t need help, he found himself sort of leaning against her.</p><p>Once they were on land, they rounded a corner, and continued down a rather dusty dirt path out of the bay. Jim tried to see if anything was familiar to him, but so far all he could remember was his old life, and he wondered if that was going to change at some point.</p><p>He should have asked more questions, he realized. But then he’d been certain he was dreaming.</p><p>Hell, maybe he still was.</p><p>As they rounded yet another corner, Jim saw them.</p><p>Amanda Grayson. Or at least as he’d seen her in holo pics.</p><p>And her son, Spock.</p><p>Spock looked younger than when Jim had last seen him. In fact, he looked about the age he’d been when they’d first met. When Spock had come down to the podium, tugging down his shirt, and glaring daggers at Jim.</p><p>“And there is your bondmate.”</p><p>Jim’s steps faltered.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jim decided that his dad had a twisted and strange sense of humor. Changing Jim’s life to…hell, he didn’t even know.</p><p>His mother had stopped next to him now and was giving him an odd look. She made a strange looking Vulcan. Or maybe it was just strange seeing her that way. Her personality hadn’t seemed that different than his…well…his real mom. Because right now this was just too odd to believe any of it was real.</p><p>Maybe he was in the hospital in a medically induced coma dreaming all of this. That was possible, wasn’t it?</p><p>“Jim?”</p><p>He noticed that when he and his mother had stopped walking toward Spock and his mother, they’d stopped too.</p><p>“Um. Spock is my…we were bonded as children, is that right?”</p><p>“Yes of course. With you both being half human, it made sense to all of us.” She frowned slightly. “But you know all of this.”</p><p>“I…right. Yes.”</p><p>Wasn’t it weird not to remember this life, this new life? He could remember his before life but nothing from this until the moment he woke in the shuttle. Was that how he could decide whether he wanted to stay in this life and if he did, would his memories change?</p><p>“So now.”</p><p>His mother pursed her lips. “With Spock’s time approaching, the bonding must be completed. You really hit your head hard.”</p><p>Something flitted across his memories about <em>his time,</em> but it was gone in a second and Jim was left wondering.</p><p>“Time?”</p><p>His mother’s eyes widened. “<em>Jim</em>.”</p><p>“Uh. What?”</p><p>“This is <em>not</em> the time to discuss Pon Farr.” She blew out a breath. “That is it. We must have you examined prior to the bonding ceremony.”</p><p>“Examined?”</p><p>“By a Vulcan healer to check your mind. I must see if hitting your head damaged it. In order for your full bond to be beneficial to both of you, we can take no chances with what Spock is expected to experience.”</p><p>Jim could see that Spock and his mother were beginning to walk toward them after having paused. He wasn’t sure he was ready to face an unknown Spock, let alone a mother he had never known, but it appeared he wouldn’t get any choice.</p><p>“Amanda, Spock, it is pleasing to see you,” his mother greeted them.</p><p>Amanda Grayson looked just like the holo pictures Spock had seen of her, down to her dark hair covered by a flowery scarf headdress. This one purple flowers that matched the purple gown she wore. She smiled warmly.</p><p>“It’s wonderful to have you both back on Vulcan. It’s been far too long. How was it visiting Earth?”</p><p>“A pleasant experience to visit George’s family and the location he was from. It was good for Jim to see.” His mom turned to Spock and held up her hand in the ta’al. “Greetings, Spock. I trust you are well.”</p><p>There was tightness around Spock’s mouth, but he nodded. “Yes. Thank you.”</p><p>“Jim has been eager to return to see you.”</p><p>Fat chance, Jim thought. He was thoroughly out of his element and confused. And pretty damn annoyed at his dad for dropping him into this strange universe. If he was. There was still the chance of a dream.</p><p>“Spock,” Jim said.</p><p>“Jim.”</p><p>“We’ll give them a moment to speak shortly, but I wanted to advise that prior to our trip. Jim slipped and fell, hitting his head. He is…struggling in his perceptions, therefore, I would like to have him examined prior to the commencement of the ceremony.”</p><p>Amanda looked toward Jim. “Oh dear. Jim, are you feeling all right?”</p><p>“Well enough. I am a little confused and fuzzy though.”</p><p>“We’ll arrange something at once. Come, Winona, let us do so. Spock, you stay with Jim. Why don’t you take him home and we’ll be back when we have someone for Jim to see.”</p><p>Spock looked like he very much wanted to argue with Amanda. He opened and closed his mouth, his dark eyes narrowing and his nostrils flaring.</p><p>She went to him then and put her hand on his arm. “All will be well. And you’ll be with Jim.”</p><p>He gave a sharp nod and Jim was not at all sure that Spock was soothed by being with Jim, but he allowed his mother and Jim’s to leave them standing out on the dirt path. His posture was stiff and unyielding. To Jim, he was a stranger. And Spock acted like Jim was too.</p><p>It was blazing hot and Jim thought that should bother him, but oddly enough it didn’t and he had no trouble breathing either.</p><p>Several silent seconds went by before Spock finally bothered to look at him. And Jim was caught by the intensity of Spock’s very dark brown eyes. Jim moistened his lips and took a step back. He wasn’t sure why then either.</p><p>“You need not fear me,” Spock said softly. “I am fully in control at this time.”</p><p>“Uh. Okay.”</p><p>Spock’s gaze drifted over him. “You do look very pale. Does your head ail you?”</p><p>His head actually did not hurt, but he felt lightheaded a bit. “No. Not really.”</p><p>“Come then. We will go to my home to wait for the healer.” He turned around to walk home, presumably.</p><p>“Spock.”</p><p>He looked over his shoulder. “Yes?”</p><p>“Do you…?”</p><p>But what? Do you remember me? This Spock seemed to know him, but he didn’t know this Spock.</p><p>Spock apparently thought he knew what Jim intended to say though for he turned back around and moved close to Jim.</p><p>“As I said, you do not need to fear me. I burn but my time has not yet arrived, and I am able to control my instincts.”</p><p>“Instincts.”</p><p>“To claim you.” The nostrils flared again. “But come, let us get home. The sooner the healer sees you, the sooner the ceremony can begin.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jim was aware that Spock’s gaze stayed on him, extremely focused, as they entered what he presumed was Amanda’s and Spock’s home. Which, well, where was he supposed to live with Spock if Spock was his…or was he even supposed to live with him?</p>
<p>Shouldn’t he know all this? Why were his memories and thoughts still so human? He had no real memories of this life. And again he wondered would that change if this was the life he chose to live? God, he should have asked his dad more questions, but he’d been sure it was some kind of dream or hallucination while he was in the hospital.</p>
<p>“Would you like to sit and rest while we wait for the healer?”</p>
<p>Jim nodded absently, allowing Spock to lower him into a chair. Spock’s hands lingered on him for a bit longer once Jim was seated but when Jim’s gaze met his, Spock let go.</p>
<p>Spock gazed at him then, lips pinched. “If you are reluctant to mate with me and intend to issue a challenge I would like to be informed ahead of time.”</p>
<p>Jim blinked. “What?”</p>
<p>“Kal-if-fee.”</p>
<p>Jim shook his head, moistening his lips. “When-when was the last time we saw each other?”</p>
<p>Spock’s eyes moved away from him and he took a few steps away. “Prior to your lengthy stay on Earth to meet your father’s family.”</p>
<p>“Did you choose me? Did we choose each other?”</p>
<p>“Our parents chose us to be bonded as children as I already said. And as you should know. If this is an attempt to claim mental incompetence—</p>
<p>“I’m not mentally incompetent. And I don’t intend to issue any challenges. I’m just trying to…understand.” Jim blew out a breath. He was aware he was not acting at all Vulcan. He did not need Spock’s suspicious glances to tell him otherwise. He stood up. “I’m-I’m going outside for a moment.”</p>
<p>“For what purpose?”</p>
<p>“Air.”</p>
<p>“Do you need me to accompany you?”</p>
<p>“No. I’ll only be outside for a moment.” Jim paused. “Spock…”</p>
<p>“You are different from the way you were before you left.”</p>
<p>“Different?”</p>
<p>“More human.” Spock shrugged. “Considering your extended stay on Earth, that is not entirely surprising.”</p>
<p>“Uh, yeah.” Jim wasn’t really sure what to say. “Be right back.”</p>
<p>He went out a door and found himself in some kind of a succulent garden. He crouched down and took a deep breath.</p>
<p>“Dad?”</p>
<p>Nothing at all happened after he called out, of course. There was not a sound anywhere and he guessed he hadn’t expected his dad to come down in a hail of lightning or anything.</p>
<p>“Okay, Jim. You asked for this. So unless this is still some nightmarish delirium while you are unconscious in the hospital, then you fucking wished for this. You did. And it’s been granted. A new life. And with Spock. So you don’t actually know him. He’s probably just like your Spock, right? Only not with Uhura. And that’s a good thing. Yes. So man up or whatever and try to act like you belong here and this is what you want. Maybe it even is.”</p>
<p>“Jim?”</p>
<p>He turned to see his mother approaching, pointed ears and all. He smiled slightly and straightened.</p>
<p>“Hello.”</p>
<p>“Something wrong?”</p>
<p>“No, not really.”</p>
<p>“I thought I heard another voice.”</p>
<p>Jim laughed a little which of course made her look at him in surprise. “I was talking to myself, actually. And I know, I’m not acting very Vulcan.”</p>
<p>She tilted her head. “Come sit over here with me.”</p>
<p>“The healer?”</p>
<p>“On her way. We have a few moments.”</p>
<p>He sat with her on the garden bench she had indicated.</p>
<p>“You have always been more human than Vulcan.” She shook her head. “This has not changed.”</p>
<p>“No? Spock just said something about my being more human.”</p>
<p>“Spock is not himself, I would not pay that much attention to his words. Plak-tow rules him now. When his time with you is over, he will change. I took you to Earth to live there for a while because I wanted for you to know your father’s family. I was with your father, Jim, because I loved him. I find nothing inferior in humans and I do not believe Spock does either. You will be who you will be. I have never wanted to impost certain requirements on you.”</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>“However, if mating with Spock concerns you…”</p>
<p>“I’m more concerned with speaking to my mother about mating.”</p>
<p>She gave him a reproachful look. “That is definitely your dominant human side. Pon Farr is what it is. You will survive it. And in a few years, experience your own which Spock will assist you with. Unless, you are having second thoughts.”</p>
<p>“I…I don’t know. What happens if I do?”</p>
<p>She sighed. “You do not speak of Kali-if-fee do you?”</p>
<p>“No. Spock asked me and I said I would not challenge.”</p>
<p>“No one wants a fight to the death.”</p>
<p>Jim stared at her. “A what?”</p>
<p>“A fight to the death. That is the challenge. Jim. If you truly cannot see yourself going through this with Spock at this time, we will need to know. He will need to be found a surrogate for this time so that he will survive it without you.”</p>
<p>“A surrogate?”</p>
<p>“You are hardly the only Vulcan who has been repulsed by Pon Farr. There are surrogates chosen for the task who can withstand it perhaps better than some mates. If you are in this category, we will be required to discuss this with Spock’s family. It might be an embarrassment to him but—”</p>
<p>“I’m not-not repulsed. I don’t think so.” Jim rolled his eyes. “Just what are we talking about here. Because honestly all this talk of Pon Farr and Plak-tow and his time and all that. What exactly would I be repulsed by, Mother?”</p>
<p>For a long time, she simply stared at him.</p>
<p>“His sexual time. Spock has reached his sexual maturation, Jim. From now on, every seven years, the need to mate with his chosen one will overwhelm him until he has been…” She paused for just a moment. “Sated. It is something all Vulcans must do, no matter how illogical and uncomfortable. Even though you are not quite there yet yourself being younger than Spock, I am somewhat surprised you do not react to the call of your mate’s claim.”</p>
<p>“I…”</p>
<p>She patted his leg. “Do not be alarmed. I am certain it is because of the distance that has been put between you and Spock while we lived on Earth. And then there is your hitting your head and memory loss. It is ill-timed to coincide with the Pon Farr. But that is why the healer will evaluate you. If she says you are not competent to participate, a surrogate must be found.”</p>
<p>“Hello? Jim? Winona?” Amanda called from the house. “The healer has arrived.”    </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Okay. Seriously. This needs to stop,” Jim called out. He was by himself, waiting to be called by the healer to examine his mind.</p>
<p>His Vulcan mind.</p>
<p>What the hell?</p>
<p>He did not feel at all like a Vulcan. He felt like <em>him</em>.</p>
<p>“Dad? Are you listening? You can’t just…I don’t know. Dump me here like this. Without warning. Without a guidebook. I don’t know how to be a Vulcan. And I’m pretty sure I’m failing miserably.”</p>
<p>Jim dropped down to his haunches and buried his face into his hands.</p>
<p>“I wanted to be with Spock, yeah. But…I don’t even <em>know</em> this Spock. This isn’t <em>my</em> Spock. This Spock is a stranger. And I don’t even think he likes me. And then I’m just supposed to…<em>what</em>…<em>mate</em> with him? I’m not…that isn’t me. No matter what everyone always thought. I want to be with Spock, but this is a nightmare.”</p>
<p>“Jim.”</p>
<p>He unburied his face to see Spock standing before him. He was giving Jim the coldest Vulcan stare he was sure he’d ever seen, and since he’d known Sarek before, that was saying something.</p>
<p>What would it be like to be with someone as stiff and unyielding and as cold as this Spock?</p>
<p>The Spock he knew…they’d become friends. Close ones. There was warmth in <em>that</em> Spock’s eyes. And though they were not romantically involved, Jim knew Spock had affection for him. Right then, that affection seemed enough. Compared to this one anyway.</p>
<p>How much had Spock heard? Did he think Jim was insane? He probably was.</p>
<p>“The healer is ready,” Spock said, his voice flat.</p>
<p>Jim licked his lips and got to his feet. He glanced at the sky. Not sure why. It wasn’t as though his father appeared to be about to pull him from this or something.</p>
<p>He lowered his gaze and met Spock’s dark eyes.</p>
<p>Nothing.</p>
<p>
  <em>Be careful what you wish for. </em>
</p>
<p>Jim nodded and followed Spock into the house and then to a chamber.</p>
<p>Standing inside was an a very old Vulcan woman. Or so Jim thought she was very old. He wasn’t sure how to tell, honestly.</p>
<p>She wore long robes, adorned with Vulcan lettering. She wore a headdress over a hood that covered her hair.</p>
<p>She looked at Spock just as coldly as he’d looked at Jim. “Leave us. Spend the time in meditation.”</p>
<p>Spock bowed and then departed and the door to the chamber closed, trapping Jim inside with this forbidding ‘healer’.</p>
<p>“Come here, James. Come close.”</p>
<p>He swallowed and approached her.</p>
<p>“Do you remember me?” she asked, surprising him.</p>
<p>“No,” he admitted.</p>
<p>She seemed to expect that for her expression did not change. “I am T’Pau. I bonded you with Spock when you were children. What do you remember?”</p>
<p>“Not much.”</p>
<p>T’Pau pursed her lips. She raised a bony hand toward his face. “I will examine your mind.”</p>
<p>“I…”</p>
<p>“What is it you fear?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“That is illogical. Fear is illogical.”</p>
<p>“I don’t follow logic.” Jim didn’t. Hell, even his Vulcan mother, and that was still weird, admitted he’d always favored his human side. Surely even T’Pau was aware of this.</p>
<p>“Fear will not serve you well during the mating. Present your mind.”</p>
<p>Jim didn’t really know how to do that, but he stepped even closer and she placed her hand on his face, the way Spock had done many times before. Her fingers were ice cold.</p>
<p>He felt pain for a moment, sharp and intense, and then she pushed through, and the pain disappeared, and he felt just a little pressure, similar to sinus pressure, really.</p>
<p>She dropped her hand suddenly and shook her head. “There must be a surrogate.”</p>
<p>He blinked at her. “What?”</p>
<p>“Spock must have a surrogate. You are brain damaged.”</p>
<p>“I’m…what? Wait. What?”</p>
<p>She waved her hand dismissively at him. “There is no evidence of your Vulcan mind. I only find your human mind.” She said this very derisively.</p>
<p>“But—”</p>
<p>“You are incapable of handling Pon Farr at this point. Your human mind will reject the bond and Spock will suffer harm. We must reestablish your Vulcan mind through much treatment and there is simply no time for that given Spock’s advanced fever.”</p>
<p>“That’s nuts.”</p>
<p>She inhaled. “It is what?”</p>
<p>Jim stepped back. “Listen, I may not be, I don’t know, Vulcan enough to suit you, but I am not brain damaged because my humanness is more dominant. I can handle anything you can throw at me, lady. Do you have any idea what I’ve already been through?”</p>
<p>“James—”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know. You don’t know. And maybe that’s a good thing. But whatever. I think we should let <em>Spock</em> decide if he’s willing to take a chance with me or have a surrogate. Not you.”</p>
<p>T’Pau glared at him. There was no other word for her pinched expression. “Kroykah.”</p>
<p>Jim ignored her and went to the chamber door. He opened it.</p>
<p>“Spock! Come here!”</p>
<p>“James.”</p>
<p>Spock appeared only seconds later, as though he had been hovering. Jim figured he probably had.</p>
<p>“Spock, T’Pau think you should have a surrogate because I am <em>too</em> human. Not enough Vulcan. She wants to make me more Vulcan, I guess, which probably means something like Kolinahr to weed out the humanity. I say you should decide. It’s your…our bond. You decide.”</p>
<p>He grabbed Spock’s hand and moved it toward his face.</p>
<p>“You examine me, Spock. Is it to be me or someone else?”  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was definitely a moment where Jim couldn’t help think…what are you doing? This is your chance to get out of Pon Farr, out of a bond with this cold, emotionless Spock who isn’t your Spock. Let him have a surrogate. Because if there is one thing you know, your Spock isn’t at all cold and emotionless. That’s an absolute myth.</p><p>And as he stared into the dark eyes of this strange Spock, Jim thought, is there anything there of you, Spock? Spock’s fingers shook just a little as they came to rest on Jim’s face and Jim wondered if it was because of the absolute wrecked state Spock was in because of the Pon Farr or something far deeper, much more personal. There was a moment where just the pads of his fingers touched lightly on Jim’s face and Spock looked beyond Jim to where T’Pau stood, face twisted in a cold Vulcan version of judgment.</p><p>“Spock,” Jim whispered. He wanted Spock to see him, concentrate on him, not on what others expected or wanted from him.</p><p>Spock shook his head slightly. “Not here,” he said at last. “Outside.”</p><p>“Spock,” T’Pau’s voice sound ominous, commanding. She expected to be obeyed, was used to it. Expected Spock to fall into line. “A surrogate is your only choice.”</p><p>“One moment.”</p><p>And as Spock took hold of Jim’s arm to move him out of the room and outside, Jim saw the look of seething disappointment on the old priestess’ face. They’d both pay for their disobedience later that look said.</p><p>Outside in the yard beyond this private room, the heat blasted Jim in the face. But all he could think was that he’d won this round. Spock had listened to him. And maybe that meant this strange Spock was not altogether a lost cause.</p><p>“Spock, I…”</p><p>“Be silent.” Once more his shaking fingers reached toward Jim’s face. “This meld should be private between two bondmates.”</p><p>Jim moistened his lips, waiting for the intrusion of an unknown mind. Waiting for the pressure and the pain he’d felt with T’Pau. But that did not come. He felt nothing but a flooding warmth, a sort of affection that was not quite affection, similar to what he’d felt in the past with both Spock Prime and his own Spock back in his abandoned universe.</p><p>Jim found himself closing his eyes. What would Spock see? He expected to receive images, maybe, from Spock, as he had Spock Prime during that meld, but he supposed that was more informational than anything else. This was definitely different than that one and different than the ones he’d had with his Spock back home. They were usually designed to help Jim, protect him from something or heal him from some injury. This was much more…intimate. And yet Jim could not have said why it felt that way.</p><p>He opened his eyes then and gazed right into eyes so dark they were nearly black, but where he’d thought before they held no warmth, only coldness, he now realized was wrong. The warmth was there, just different, far more subtle. He blew out a breath.</p><p>“Are you in pain?”</p><p>“No. Just…nervous I guess.”</p><p>“Because of my time?”</p><p>“Sure. And other things.” Jim swallowed. “It’s hard to explain.”</p><p>Spock’s hand dropped from Jim’s face, but he did not step away and his other hand remained on Jim’s arm, holding him there.</p><p>“Your mind is troubled,” Spock said, softly. “This is why T’Pau speaks of damage.”</p><p>“Damage because all she sees is the human part.” He tried to keep bitterness out of his tone, but knew he had not succeeded in doing so.</p><p>“Well, we share that part of ourselves,” Spock replied. “We both have a human side.”</p><p>“One you suppress and I don’t.” He bit his lip. “The truth is I don’t remember <em>anything</em> of this life before I woke up on the shuttle to come here.”</p><p>“Which is why T’Pau has aired her concerns.”</p><p>Jim nodded. “I know. And I can’t completely say she’s wrong even if I don’t like it.”</p><p>“I touched your mind just now, do you feel anything wrong now since then?”</p><p>“No. Do you? What did you see?”</p><p>“As I said, it is clear you are troubled and there is…emptiness where your memories should be,” Spock admitted. “I do not understand. However, given the advancing state of my time, I am not able to fully process it. Not at present. Perhaps…after.”</p><p>“So, do you think you need a surrogate?”</p><p>Spock did not reply for a while and Jim found that he was suddenly dreading the answer, which he was certain would be a positive answer to that question. And the fact this all bothered him made no sense. He shouldn’t want this. This wasn’t what he’d wished for. But he was getting no answer from the being who had implied he was Jim’s former father. He was likely going to have to make the best here and if he had wanted to be with Spock, why would he want Spock to choose someone else?</p><p>“I do not want a surrogate,” Spock said carefully.</p><p>Jim blew out a breath and nodded. His heart was pounding.</p><p>“However, I am not altogether certain proceeding with the two of us is the correct, logical decision.”</p><p>“You’re at an impasse then?”</p><p>Spock glanced away from him, back to the house. Jim had no idea what he was thinking. His expression, of course, gave absolutely nothing away.</p><p>Very slowly, Spock looked back at Jim. “I have made a habit of defying those that put certain expectations upon me.”</p><p>“Uh. Yeah?”</p><p>“I see no reason to change my behavior now. So, no, James, I do not want a surrogate and I will not be seeking one to go through my imminent time.”</p><p>Jim blinked, staring at him.</p><p>“You are afraid?”</p><p>“A tiny bit.”</p><p>Spock shook his head. “I would rather die than hurt you. Will you mate with me, James Kirk?”</p><p>It was Jim’s turn to look away from the intensity of Spock’s gaze. He felt rather faint, really. And Spock was burning up.</p><p>“Yes.”  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jim had absolutely no experience with Pon Far in his universe. He presumed Spock had gone through it at some point, likely with Uhura. He hadn’t wanted to know about their intimacies. And he’d moved on with Carol. Until she and their child had been taken from him.</p>
<p>But with this Spock’s Pon Far going forward with Jim, he guessed he was going to learn all about it. Spock had vowed he would not hurt Jim and Jim absolutely believed him. He’d found all Spocks unerringly honest.</p>
<p>Though T’Pau continued to loudly protest her ideas of doom and gloom with their pairing, Spock likewise continued to ignore her, as did Spock’s parents, Amanda and Sarek, and Jim’s mother.</p>
<p>A chamber was arranged for them to spend the time.</p>
<p>“Supplies and supplements suitable for both Humans and Vulcans have been stocked in the mating chamber,” his mother explained. “Should Spock’s time go on for a longer period than expected, you should still have sufficient things for your needs.”</p>
<p>“Uh. How-how long is-is the expect time?”</p>
<p>Jim was aware eh should know this. He was. But he didn’t. And he once more found himself cursing the version of his father that had sent him here with absolutely no fore knowledge.</p>
<p>“Three days is average,” Winona replied. “But some have gone as long as ten.”</p>
<p>“Days?’</p>
<p>She arched a brow. “Certainly not weeks, Jim.”</p>
<p>Certainly not. Well, thank God for that anyway.</p>
<p>She sighed slightly. “I wish that I had a Vulcan male to instruct you in these things, but as your father was Human, there is no one but me. You can expect that Spock will not pause very often in the…activities. But in those times that he does, you must take the opportunity to refresh yourself. Take supplements, eat and drink, relieve yourself as needed, use additional lubricant as you require, and if you are allowed enough time, sleep.” She pursed her lips. “I do not know if you will be. I never experienced it personally as I had a Human husband. I can only go with my understanding.”</p>
<p>Having to talk to his mother about this, even his <em>Vulcan Mother, </em>was as about as strange and uncomfortable as it could get.</p>
<p>Jim had already been dressed in a loose-fitting robe with no clothing underneath. That had been, apparently, to make the entire process quicker and easier for both him and Spock. He’d also been informed that he needed to lubricate his own ass prior to entering the chamber as it wasn’t known if Spock would be of mind to stop to do so. Vulcan penises did secrete some self-lubrication, but it might not be enough to make Jim comfortable for several bouts of sex.</p>
<p>Fortunately, that information had been provided by a male Vulcan who had brought the robe and lubricant to him rather than having to get that bit of information from his mother.</p>
<p>When Jim stepped into the chamber, he was alone. Spock had not yet arrived. And he still could not shake the feeling that this was wrong. That this Spock deserved to have his real mate. His real Jim. The Jim that was meant for this universe. And that Jim had no right to steal someone else’s life just so he could be happy.</p>
<p>He wasn’t.</p>
<p>What he’d wanted was to be with the Spock he knew, the one from his universe. Anything else was a lie.</p>
<p>“Look, I am going to try this one more time. If you’re up there listening. Or out there surrounding all of the universe. Whatever you are or where you are. Please. Stop this. Put me back in my own universe. The one where you’re dead. You died saving all of those lives. Where Spock chose Uhura not me. Put me back there. And give this Spock, the one here, about to go through his first Pon Far, the Jim he loves. Because he does love him. I know it. And they deserve to have this together. Not me. I was being selfish and stupid and wanting things I’m just…I’m not entitled to. I get the life I was given. Please.”</p>
<p>Jim expected nothing. No answer. Just the mistakes he had made to never been corrected.</p>
<p>But then…he suddenly felt weightless. He thought…nothing.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Granted.”</em>
</p>
<p>****</p>
<p>“Sir, Captain Kirk, I’m sorry but…”</p>
<p>“Wait, what? What are you sorry about? Where’s my wife?”</p>
<p>The intern shifted uncomfortably and took a step back in the hospital corridor.</p>
<p>“She…sir…the damage in the accident, it was too much. We couldn’t save Mrs. Kirk. But your son…we saved him. Would you like to see him?”</p>
<p>Jim felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked behind him and for a moment he saw his father again. But he faded, like a spirit sweeping away, and the hand on his shoulder came from Bones.</p>
<p>“Bones,” he whispered.  </p>
<p>Bones’ eyes filled with tears. “I know, Jim. I’m so sorry about Carol.”</p>
<p>He nodded. Swallowed. Carol was still gone. But…</p>
<p>“I have a son. I have a baby son.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Bones smiled through his tears. “Let’s go see him.”</p>
<p>Jim followed the intern into the room where they had his son. Bones came with him. He blinked away tears.</p>
<p>“He’s so tiny.”</p>
<p>The nurse smiled gently. “Just five pounds, Captain. But he’s very healthy. He made it okay.”</p>
<p>“Can I hold him?”</p>
<p>“Of course.”</p>
<p>She picked up his son and carefully handed the tiny baby boy wrapped in enough blankets to swallow him, Jim thought, but he’d never felt anything so wonderful in his entire life as that baby resting in his arms.</p>
<p>“Thanks Dad,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Hmm?” Bones asked from beside him.</p>
<p>Jim shook his head. “Nothing.”</p>
<p>“What’s the little tike’s name?”</p>
<p>“David,” Jim said softly, meeting Bones’ tearful gaze. “Carol and I talked about it. We wanted to name him after your dad.”</p>
<p>“I’m honored.”</p>
<p>Jim nodded, too overcome to speak more. Somehow, he and David would survive this. He had hope.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The service for Carol Marcus Kirk was befitting an honored former Starfleet officer. Many had come to pay their respects to her memory and to Jim as her widower, now a single father.</p><p>Jim had stood stoically holding his infant son, David, accepting all the well-wishes and sympathy, his mind filled with memories of their life together and, unfortunately, he supposed, memories or thoughts of Spock, the Spock he had just left in another universe with, he hoped, another Jim.</p><p>He had loved Carol. He wouldn’t have married her if he had not. Perhaps it was not entirely the love she had deserved, one special to only her, but the affection had been there.</p><p>Early on in their marriage, she had told him that she always felt he held himself back somewhat, that there was a part of him that belonged to someone else that she could not touch. He had tried to assure her that was not the case, but she knew. They both did. She had told him that she loved him anyway, she would take him as she could, and he knew then that he really hadn’t deserved her.</p><p>If he had it to do all over again, knowing that she would be killed like this, originally with their son, Jim would have not married her. He couldn’t help but feel she had fallen victim somewhat to a sort of Kirk curse. His dad, his mom, Sam. Him. Nothing had ever gone right for any of them, not really, and Carol didn’t deserve her fate.</p><p>Once, right before the service, he had said something about that to Bones, and Bones had quite gently reminded him about her own sort of curse.</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t forget, Jim. That asshole Marcus was her father. She knew all about tragedy and evil in her own life. What she had with you, might have been brief, but she was happy.”</em>
</p><p>Bones had been right, of course. As he usually was.</p><p>As the service concluded, Jim spotted Nyota Uhura at the edge of one of the rows. She wiped her eyes, bowed her head, and then after a moment looked down to where he stood. She made to move in his direction and Jim blinked turning to Bones.</p><p>“Didn’t know she was here,” he murmured.</p><p>“Of course she is. Carol was a good friend of hers and you are too.”</p><p>“Thought maybe she was on New Vulcan.”</p><p>Bones put a hand gently on Jim’s arm. “She and Spock divorced. And severed their bond, I guess. You remember. Their relationship always was rather tumultuous. At the end it was pretty acrimonious. Been divorced a few months.”</p><p>Jim nodded absently, turning to greet her as she approached. “Can you hold David for me?”</p><p>“Course I can.” Bones took the baby from Jim, cooing quietly at the child.</p><p>“Jim,” Uhura said, tears in her eyes, as he embraced him. “I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Because he really didn’t know what else to say. He hugged her back, but it was one of his weird hugs, most of his body separated from her by several inches.</p><p>She noticed of course and pulled away to look at him. “How are you holding up?”</p><p>“About as well as I can, I guess.  I, uh, I’m sorry about…you and…Spock. Len just told me.”</p><p>Her eyes went to Bones, she smiled slightly. “This must be your precious son.”</p><p>“Yeah, this is David.”</p><p>“He’s beautiful, Jim. May I?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>Uhura scooped up the baby from Bones and smiled down at him. “We weren’t ever able to have a child, you know. Spock suspected he was sterile. We thought about other methods, but, well, by then, things had gone quite south with us.”</p><p>“I’m really sorry.” And Jim realized he was. If he couldn’t have Spock someone he cared about should have and though Uhura had him briefly, well, just having him, having that, hadn’t made them live happily ever after or anything.</p><p>Seemed a little bit to Jim that they all struggled in every universe. But he guessed he was thinking too much.</p><p>“David is so cute,” she said, smiling. “And very lucky. He’s going to have lots of love in his life.”</p><p>“I hope so. And I hope you keep in touch with us.”</p><p>She handed David back to Jim. “I will. Or I’ll try anyway. I’ve taken a new communications assignment on the Antares. It’s only eighteen months, not a full five-year mission. I leave end of the week.”</p><p>“Good luck. They’re very lucky to have you.”</p><p>“Thanks.” She embraced him again, a half one, considering he was holding the baby, and then turned to give Bones a hug. He was much more welcoming with his, Jim noted.</p><p>He watched her leave, feeling bereft. This really was his life, not the one he would have wished for, and really, what would that have been anyway? Not the one where he was VulcanJim that was for sure.</p><p>“Jim?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m okay if that’s your question. I guess I have to go to the after reception they all planned.”</p><p>“You don’t have to. I can make excuses for you.”</p><p>He shook his head. “No. It’s right to do it. Carol deserves all of this and more. I have the rest of my life with David, something she didn’t get to have.”</p><p>“True,” Bones conceded. “But you know none of that is your fault, right?”</p><p>In his head, yeah, he knew. There was no Kirk Curse. Life was just what happened to you, through choices and circumstances, and you could only affect it in so many ways. Logically, yeah, he knew he couldn’t have stopped Carol from dying. He sure as hell hadn’t been able to stop Spock from marrying Uhura. No matter how often Jim tried to project his love for the Vulcan, it just hadn’t mattered. Nothing had changed.</p><p>Love with Spock was for those Jims in other universes. He kind of got that now.</p><p>But in his heart, yeah, there was doubt. It sure felt like a curse of some kind. And that made him some kind of whiner, he was sure.</p><p>One thing he knew now, with the gift of having David alive and with him, Jim would be all right. They both would be.</p><p>“Yeah, Bones, I know. Let’s go to the reception.”</p>
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